Monday, November 15, 2010

My Admissions and Proclaimations

Over the past few months I've lost ungodly sums of money that made me realize a few things. 1) I'm not ready to give up my day job to pursue being a full time author; 2) I'm not ready to be a promoter full-time yet. Sure I could be a subpromoter, but that would be a waste of my time. I feel like if I can only go half-assed at something, I would rather not do it at all or wait until I can go hard at it. It took me talking to BVAX one afternoon to realize that I'm just not ready to kill it. What really struck me is that he had the integrity to turn down my gig and tell me that he didn't think he could bring his people out to the suburbs. What he told me I should do after wards made me realize that 1) I don't have the time to prepare in a week's time; 2) he's right and I have to pay to play. After absorbing the losses that I absorbed these last two parties I realized that I would have been better off using that money as my poker bankroll and playing 1/2 NL Hold Em. At least I would see my money the same night. So I'm out.. for now!

Instead, I'll be on the grind at the local casinos or online raising the $15,000 that I need to get back even with last year. In fact, I just started back playing recently and my game is rusty in comparison to where it was in May when I played every day. I need to learn how to control my temper again because I lost 3x more money than I should have Thursday night when I was at the Horseshoe because I was steaming over a bad player getting lucky on the river against me and taking my entire stack. The name of this game is patience, and after I absorbed that loss, I bought back in and tried to win all my money back too soon with ill-advised bluffs and bad plays. I ended up losing that money too, and decided I would go home before I ended up on Washington & Michigan with a McDonald's cup in my hand begging for enough change to buy a few things off the dollar menu.

I thought that in pursuing other endeavors that I would eventually stop gambling. After failed venture after failed venture I'm starting to feel that the only thing that I know how to do is play poker. That's disappointing to me because I'm a reasonably intelligent person. Although I like a card game as much as anyone else, I don't want my legacy to solely to be "Glenn sure could play a flush draw and a gut-shot straight draw with the best of them." I have more talents than that. Now if poker is a means to an end, fine. I'm cool with raising the amount of money that I need to get out here playing cards because its too damn cold to be selling books on the L train. I found that out last winter.

Even with that being said, I will probably never stop playing poker. I know that I've said that the game has contributed to my lack of trust in mankind, but I never took the time to take a look at how the game has helped me and can help me. 1) It forces me to be honest with myself; 2) It forces me to work on my temper; 3) It also forces me to learn how to make better decisions while I'm angry.

Let's get to my temper.. I have a bad temper and can fly off into a rage like you would never believe. This is when other people's bones get broken, their houses shot up, etc. Its been years since I've gotten that angry, and I would much rather dismiss or walk away from any potential situation where my only option is to try to kill someone. However, I'm talking about my getting so angry where I tear down people or self-destruct. The $70 into $7000 challenge forced me to work on my self-destructive behavior back in April and May, then I got called for my summer job and abandoned it. I was also better at not saying things to hurt people and was really starting to make progress towards a better me. Months later, I ended up embarrassing someone in response to what was said about me. Its time for me to realize what I did and how I fucked up and fucked over someone who meant a lot to me.

Yeah, my response was warranted, but just read my past blog posts over the past 10 months and you'll see that what she did to me was a build-up of things that I said about her that were never addressed by her until that day. I can be a purely evil motherfucker, but I had no idea that she could be as evil as me. She really tried to keep that side of her concealed until I put her in a situation where she couldn't conceal it anymore. Of course, I didn't take that as a sign to change my ways. I got more arrogant as I focused more into my business ventures.

But my ways in the end were the things that turned people off from me. I figured that since I'm a pretty street savvy dude that I could get people to follow me in the streets, but old-school ways of promoting don't work anymore. I get it now! Its more important to treat people well in order to make it in the creative business because this online social networking age has made it impossible to hide the sides of you that you want hidden. Its also given them more options than just 5 years ago. Its also made me realize that you can't be in this to chase money. I got away from that, stopped being creative, stopped doing the things that made me interesting in the first place; all because I was hustling for a dollar. Its funny how for me, my failures in turn make me circle back to my creativity every time because that's how it was supposed to be in the first place.

Now heading into 2011, here's where I'm looking to do with my life:

1) Incorporate daily prayer asking God to have mercy on my soul and to help me develop the patience to make better decisions when I'm angry and to deliver me from the temptation of lashing out and doing evil towards other people.

2) I will no longer refer to women as bitches on facebook or any other social networking medium. I rarely use the word in my personal life, but I don't need to put other people down in order to produce interesting status updates. I've proven it this past week after I announced via note that I was going to stop using the word.

3) I will write more. In fact, I agreed to co-author an anthology with another author that I haven't worked with in a long time.

4) I will get back to being a creative individual.

5) I will go to more creative events such as concerts, plays, poetry festivals, and museums to allow myself to recharge through enjoying someone's work besides my own.

6) I will think more positively and be satisfied with the fact that I made the right decisions and did the right deeds, so the next card or unexpected event are inconsequential because in making the right decisions things will turn out good for me more than they will bad.

7) I will be more understanding of people who don't agree with me.

Does that mean that I will never be outspoken? No! In fact, I promise you that I will probably piss you off sometime within the next 12 months because I'm outspoken and say whatever it is that's on my mind, but there's no malicious intent behind it. I promise not to be so vicious towards people and not to attack people just because I feel like it. I've been given many blessings, but that doesn't give me the right to attack folks for having less due to what I may feel as bad decision making. I've been very fortunate throughout life, but this year I realized how quickly karma can turn my good fortune into less than good fortune. I've eaten a lot of humble pie and its not a good taste, but that's my fault.