Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I Feel Down

I'm tired all the time, I waffle aimlessly throughout my day. I don't know sometimes. I feel so stuck in this rut and it seems like its been like this for so long that I don't even know how I got there. Today, I feel down in the dumps, and I don't know why. Sure I've been on facebook flirting with a few women that I graduated Lindblom with and it seems like I'm lighthearted and full of joy, and when I'm around other people or talking to other people I am full of joy, but when I'm alone with my thoughts I'm so down and out.

Today, I don't even know why I feel so low. I overslept, barely got to work on time, made a run to the off site warehouse that took up the majority of the day and I even patched things up with JA at my job.. well sort of. See, I always have all these things that I want to say to a person, but when they get in front of me, I forget what I was supposed to say and all I can do is posture and act macho. At the same time, I can't really say much to her because we work together, she's young and she likes to run her mouth. Soon enough, everyone on all ten floors of my building would know my business. All I want is to see what she's about outside of work, but I'm afraid to ask not because I'm scared of her, I'm scared of what she'll tell other folks, and this ain't no facebook or no Lindblom Alumni bullshit --THIS IS MY JOB!

I like her, but I also like someone else too. Am I wrong for being so confused? So duplicitous? So unwilling to commit to a choice and go after that person? Then there's a third woman that I'd really like to see where it could go if we could spend a little time with each other. She calls me everyday and I really enjoy her conversation, but would I enjoy her? I think we're both scared to find out. Three attractive women, no decision as to where I wanna go with them, not to mention my favorite lady I probably would have married in '04, but we could never seem to get off the ground. Every time we see each other there's an instant attraction, and an instant bond. I feel guilty for sharing my heart with all these women, but what can I do?

Then I keep dreaming about this one woman. Every time I dream about her, she resurfaces. I just don't know how she could resurface after all I said the last time we communicated with each other. How could she come back after all the nasty things I said about her? How can I come back after all the nasty things she said about me? She an evil --woman! With all that said I know she still thinks about me. She's still concerned about my affairs, who I'm talking to, flirting with, etc., yet it doesn't bother me.