Thursday, November 18, 2010

Better Ways to Say Things

In some ways I'm particular about women, in others I'm very relaxed and carefree about their ways. For instance, I don't really care about how my lady is dressed as long as she got some kind of style about her. Now that I look at the women I normally date, they usually dress pretty conservatively. I've never had to deal with women who wear really short skirts or tight fitting clothes after I turned 23. My women tend to have a good sense of style that stands out without being tastelessly underdressed, but even if she did I don't think I would care.

However, I have grown more particular about how a woman talks, and the choice of words that she uses. I really don't like when a woman uses a lot of profanity. You can say words are just words. Lord knows the countless times I've used that excuse to justify some of the less than colorful remarks that I've made towards people --many of them being women. And I'm right, words are words! Literally words are words, but the way you use words and even the words that you use says a lot about a person's character and emotional state. Think about it, words have the power to entertain, depress, anger, and uplift a person depending on how you want to use those words. Words can do so many things that are beyond the scope of this blog.

I don't want women to cuss around me, but do I automatically cast them off and drop them when they do? NO! I'm learning to be more patient now. I try to remind myself that when I come into a woman's life for the first time, there's a line of men that this woman has let into her life and those men have impacted her in some way whether it be negative or positive. Also, the way she was raised by her family has a lot to do with the words that she choose to use as well. If a woman uses a lot of profanity around a man, its attributed to either her family experience or her experience with men. How has her family members talked to this woman? How has her ex-boyfriends talked to her? Have they asked her 'why the fuck are you on the phone?" "Get the fuck out of my face?" If this is all a person has heard in their lives (very common these days), then its no wonder her words and her actions are profane and aggressive. Its a defense mechanism, just understand that none of this is my fault or your fault as a man who chooses to be with her.

This is one of the areas where I'm learning to be patient. In the RECENT past, I might have said to a woman "DON'T USE THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE AROUND ME! MY MOTHER DIDN'T RAISE ME TO BE WITH A WOMAN WHO CUSSES LIKE A PROJECT WHORE." How effective has that line been for me? The woman might or might not have corrected her language over time, just so she wouldn't make me angry, but more times that not it was very ineffective and only angered her because she felt belittled. I remember a quote from Chicago Overcoat where the main character Lou Marazano tells his grandson "If you're straight with people, they'll be straight with you." I like that quote because its in the vein of "treat people how you wanna be treated." In this case, I find it to be a lot more effective if you take the same foul-mouthed, verbally aggressive woman and talk to her how you wanna be talked to.

So instead of letting a woman go, I'll say something like "I'm surprised that you chose those words to say to me." Why? "Because I think highly of you and your intelligence. I figure that you can use a better choice of words to express your thoughts. I personally am becoming more cognizant of my choice of words too." Then I'm always asked why? What made you decide that you wanted to stop cussing? "Its because I want to set a better example for the people around me. Yes, I know my capabilities and I'm not holier than thou, but I know that I can communicate better and when I don't use such bad language, my communication is more effective. When I have children, I want them to look up to me and know that because I can get my point across without cussing, they can too. I don't just want them to know that, I want them to see that."

I'm not writing this blog to show people how to manipulate women, everyone is a manipulator to begin with. I'm writing this because this is how I feel and I too am improving on how I communicate with people --particularly women. I've lived long enough to know that so many common words exist for you to use that are so powerful, that there's no reason to use profanity unless its a flight or fight situation, and even then, why warn a person that you're gonna punch them if they don't back off, its better to just knock the shit out of them and take names later. You can always show em better than you can tell em, so why telegraph your next move. In dealing with the fairer sex, show her that you're truly powerful by using words that empower her. The way you use words can impact a situation or a person's well being. A person can think that you're a piece of shit just like the rest of them, but if you're always telling her good things about herself, pretty soon she'll start believing it, then she'll want to hear it more from you, then she'll want to be around you more because the more she's around you the better she feels.

I'm not suggesting to be a punk, just turn her aggressiveness around. Most times its not even directed toward you and she's not offended by you. This is my biggest issue. I take too many things as personal attacks towards me. Why, what, and how questions are the best way to navigate these minefields called women. Arguing is ineffective and counterproductive at best. In fact, arguing is a path that only leads to hell.. AVOID IT. As I'm communicating my thoughts to my readers, I'm recording these things as a reminder to myself because I'm a flawed individual when it comes to this. Just this morning I called the majority of the men from my graduating class at Lindblom silly, so I continue to struggle with choosing better words to say, but I am aware of it and I am trying my hardest to find the right balance with my outspoken personality so that I can be a better person.

See when a woman is being profane and aggressive, you can push your muscle around and hurt her feelings by saying foul things, using foul language or being abusive; that's SHOWING power.

Now if you know that you can hurt her feelings, shut her down, beat the crap out her male family members and you choose to uplift her instead.. that's BEING powerful.

Anyone can show power, but to be truly powerful is where you gain leverage in your relationships. Its more powerful to have people do things or be a certain way for you because they want to, than it is for people to do things out of fear. There's too many people out here showing power, pretending to have power, and not enough who actually possess power. The way I look at it, if I choose to empower and be powerful, I'll positively affect more lives than I could ever keep track of all because I found better ways to say things.


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