Reposted from Facebook Originally written Thursday May 27, 2010
Right now I'm going through a period of adversity. My poker game isn't making me money, and I've pretty much been playing break even poker after losing $50 yesterday. I'm not sure if I even want to resurrect the $74 into $7400 challenge with my bankroll having been paused at $323 at the time. I'm having really mixed feelings about deactivating my Facebook account, but I'm realizing that this is absolutely necessary for my future growth.
KR not speaking to me and no longer wanting to set herself up to be hurt by me is also something that has been a factor. I'd be lying if I said that her refusing to respond to me hasn't affected me. Before facebook, I didn't really know KR too well. All I remembered was that we had drafting class together junior year at Lindblom. After crossing paths on facebook we got to know each other a little better and things went well until I became my own worst enemy... TWICE. Am I hurting right now? OF COURSE, but I'll find a way to move on although its hard considering that every time I'm with another woman I'm still thinking of KR, longing to be with her.
The funny thing about KR is that facebook has brought us together, and while I did a good enough job of ripping us apart, my antics on facebook hasn't exactly helped matters either. I truly think that what really did it was that day I tore into Brandie, Ave, and Melony. I even heard that the incident became phone conversation fodder for a day or two when it happened. Its one thing for me to check someone, but its another to be unrelenting, and that I was. I don't like to be shown up, and I don't like giving in to anyone. However, it was very hard for me to stomach the comments I made after reading what I typed. That's not the kind of person I am.
Which brings me to one of the major reasons why I'm getting off facebook and staying off facebook. For starters, whenever I'm on here, I'm very unproductive and its become a time vampire for me. I have a huge secret event planned for August 5, 2010 that I have to start promoting this Saturday. This is an endeavor that I've decided to undertake on my own and I can't meet people if I'm on here fucking around on facebook and playing poker all day.
The biggest reason that I'm getting off facebook is because it has ruined me. People who know me personally have gotten a totally different perspective of me which is different from who I really am in person. I find and they find that I'm a more a angry, negative, and sarcastic individual. In person, I'm real laid back, funny, and sort of awkward too. If you wanted a celebrity to compare my in-person personality to, think of Maxwell. I went to see him Tuesday night and while dude is the best singer of my generation, has tons of women swooning over him and is insanely handsome; I realized that he's kinda awkward during his ad-libs when he was asking the audience whether or not they were enjoying themselves because he's insecure and needs their feedback and just wants to make sure they're having a good time (then he was running across the stage like a crazy man and got scared when some woman gave him some flowers). It takes a big man to admit that about himself, and he gave me the courage to admit my awkwardness. I hide my awkwardness and my insecurities behind my big personality. People look at me and think that because I was blessed with good looks, good family, and tons of swag that I have everything; so a lot of them are envious of me for no reason. I've had women tell me that when they first saw me that they thought I was arrogant, stuck-up and conceited. Real talk, that makes me feel really uncomfortable because I feel like I have to talk down anything good about myself. For instance:
Her: "Glenn, you writing a book is such a big deal. You got the looks, you got the drive, you gonna blow up!"
Me: "It ain't that big of a deal, anyone can do it."
Her: "Why would a pretty boy like you want someone like me?"
Me: "I'm alright looking, nothing unusual about me. Besides, you're pretty fly yourself."
Yep, all my life I've been careful not to boast or brag when people praised me for being me. It would always make me feel a bit uncomfortable. The reason being is because I got into a lot of altercations and fights growing up over me being called "white boy," "girly looking/gay," "curly sue," and them motherfuckers would always pull my hair because it was long and curly. It took me growing into adulthood to realize that these people were really just envious of me. Women liked me, but then there are a lot of women who are overly cautious with me because of their preconceived notions which is pretty annoying because I'm just a regular dude just like everyone else.
Then FACEBOOK became available to me. After adding some familiar faces from school to my friends list, I became a facebook celebrity to my friends list because I'm very straightforward and possess a little dry humor. People would sometimes add 20-30 comments per status. I got caught up in that "celebrity" and made sure that I posted statuses that were more outrageous than the last ones. Then somehow statues went from "who the fuck anointed Al Sharpton as the spokesperson for Micheal Jackson's family" to "most of you motherfuckers on facebook ain't shit and never will be shit!" to all the "look bitches, I'm a fat pretty motherfucker, you're just another bitch. Don't you ever forget that bitch" statuses.
I just got caught up in the celebrity and the notoriety and with me being such an attention whore, I felt like "the more attention the better." But I hurt a lot of people's feelings in the process because I would argue with the people and say hurtful things and hide under the guise of "this is only the internet and if her feelings got hurt over a facebook comment then she needs to get a better life!" With that being said, my being on facebook has created a monster that doesn't really represent who I really am as a person. From now on, I will interact with people in person ONLY. I hate the image that I've become on facebook which I liken to Kayne West. I do care about how I'm perceived (to an extent) and I was able to acknowledge my being an awkward individual in going through the trials of me saying all the things that I would never say in person unless provoked. In a way, I felt okay about pissing women off in telling them how pretty I am, etc., because for once in my life I could finally boast and not feel the need to apologize for it, but now that I look back on those comments I wish I hadn't made those statements. I got cocky because I'm really a bit uncomfortable with the things I have to deal with in association with being a light-skinned, curly haired black man. The last woman I fell out with told me that I put too much of my business on facebook, and while that may be true its because I feel like I can share these things with you all so you can better understand me as a person.
To all the people whose feelings I've hurt, I'm so sorry.
To KR, I'm truly sorry.
And Ke-Ke, a former friend of mine that I met through a Lindblom alum, I am sorry for not talking to you over a topic on facebook. You were right when you told me that I am incredibly intelligent and idiotic at the same time. I'm sorry.
Wendy, I'm sorry for treating you the way I did.
To my facebookers, I will keep my profile active until Sunday May 30th so everyone will get a chance to read this note --then I will deactivate my account once and for all. For the friends that I will hang out with beyond facebook, I'm glad to see yall after all these years and we gonna kick it hard one of these days.
Anyone wishing to contact me outside facebook, can shoot me an email... firstname.lastname@example.org