Tuesday, June 15, 2010

One Step Forward, 3 Steps Back

Every summer I work two jobs because the money is damn good to do so... but this summer is different already. I've only been working two jobs for one week and I'm already ready to quit my primary job. Last week my supervisor fucked up my schedule after I got it changed to accomodate my work schedule at my summer job... Why? Because I make a lot more money at my summer job. I wish that I could work the fucking job all year round, but the people in power at the govt agency location that I work at are on some nepotism bullshit. They convinced me to go back to school to further my education in order to overcome the nepotism and veterans preference that's going on at that place. Then I started hustling online, then offline with my books. Now I'm wondering should I even go back to school for the fall semester.

It seems like when I take one step forward, I end up taking two steps back. This time its with my business. I thought that I was on my way to selling my version of a ton of books on my off days. My employer had me under the impression that they approved me to work 3 days pers week at 12 hours per day so I could have 4 days a week to sell my books. Of course they fucked up my schedule and when I saw that it was fucked up LAST WEEK I went to my supervisor and he changed it. This week, he came up with some bullshit that I gotta work 20 hours per week, which has me working 5 days a week at both jobs. My eyes are getting tired thinking about it, and I refuse to do it. I refuse to trade time for money at a job that halfway appreciates me. For the past year, I worked on 2 important projects that only 10 and 15 people in the entire company got selected for. These projects require a whole lot of documentation and trust that I'm going to do it right with almost no supervision. I'm taking on all this additional responsibility and guess what... I don't get a fucking pay raise! That right there let me know that its time to move on to do something else. Fuck excuses, they're fucking useless.

I'm truly sick of this shit. I'm tired, depressed, stressed the fuck out over a job that has no potential for advancement despite all my accomplishments at this time vampire of a job. I really considered walking the fuck out of the building and never coming back until I realized that I'd be leaving this job on bad terms, even though I don't ever intend to use them as a reference, I still have my integrity and told myself to work out a compromise with my employer. After all, they've bent over backwards to accomodate my crazy schedule changes, but I'm fucking done! Its time for me to quit this job once and for all real soon. Do I have another job lined up? NO.. but I went out and sold books yesterday and that told me that I don't need a job to be lined up. I'm working 4 more weeks and I'm out this bitch!

Monday, June 14, 2010

Birdman is so Wack! And He's One of My Favorite Rappers

I know it seems like I'm typing nonsense, but I can't stop playing Birdman's Pricele$$ album, and its been over 3 months since I've copped it. Yeah, I know! I'm an educated black man --according to KR. Because of that I'm not supposed to be listening to shit like Birdman. "What the fuck is wrong with Glenn?" You ask. And my response, "absolutely nothing when it comes to music." Birdman, 50 Cent's Paperchaser, Rick Ross's Hustlin', and every UGK album are all guilty pleasures of mine --UGK is actually one of the best groups of all time bar none. I like to think of myself as a hip-hopper at heart who listens to Common, De La Soul, A Tribe Called Quest, Mos Def, and Talib Kweli; and I am very hard to please when it comes to rap music, but once in a while some shit I ain't dare supposed to like sneaks in there and I can't fucking stop listening to it.

For instance, I'll probably get flamed for this, but I like Gucci Mane's Lemonade song.

Don't fucking ask me why. I'm still asking myself why would I even give a rapper named Gucci Mane a fair chance to determine whether or not his song is cold. I mean come on! What the fuck kind of name is Gucci Mane? And what kind of fucking hook is this:

Lemons on the chain with the V-cuts
Lemons on the chain with the V-cuts
Livin out of shame with my feet up
Livin out of shame with my feet up
Lemon pepper wings and a freeze cup
Lemon pepper wings and a freeze cup
Lemons in their face watch em freeze up
Lemons in their face watch em freeze up

With that said, I can't get enough of this song. And Wasted is another one of my guilty pleasures.. GUCCI! Ugh, now I'm talking like the motherfucker.. GUCCI! See, I did it again! GUCCI! Ugh.. I guess I should switch the topic back to Birdman so I can stop saying GUCCI!

Birdman has got to be my favorite wack rapper because I like how he adlibs and talks shit at the beginning of his songs, during his hooks, and towards the end of his songs. He's got to be the most arrogant motherfucker, talkin' about his fly whip outside sittin' on acres.. lmao. I fucking love it! Then on the Nightclub song, I keep rewinding the part where he says "flossin' everytime I shine/ shinin' everytime I floss/ keep an extra mil on me, cuz that's just how a boss boss/ youngin' got the flow money/ diamonds on the toes money/ hoppin overseas every time and get some mo' money.

And you gotta check out Birdman's 4 My Town video:

And his song with Drake and Bun B called Mo Milly is cooked crack. I swear when I first heard it, I put it on repeat 12 times in my car. Now is Birdman's Pricele$$ album a Source five mic album... HELL MUFUKIN NAW! I'd say its a 3- 3.5 mic/star album out of 5. And I don't listen to the album from start to finish since it has a lot of filler in it, but these songs I listen to every day.

Friday, June 11, 2010

I Miss My Father

My story isn't unique to many young men who grew up in the 80s and 90s as young boys without fathers. I just never thought about it much because I was spoiled growing up. Don't get me wrong, my grandmother and mother didn't take any shit when I was growing up, but I was the quiet kid on the block who everyone was jealous of because either my mom or my grandmother bought my name brand clothes and shoes while the other boys either sold weed or rock to buy theirs, or did without. Because I had so much love from my mom and grandma, I didn't feel like I was lacking anything with my father not being around.

Now that I'm 29 years old, I miss him, yet I never met him. I didn't realize this until yesterday when I found myself talking with my supervisor at my summer job about my dreams. He's held me accountable for my having not gotten anywhere. Whenever I had an excuse for not going to networking events, for not hustling my books, for allowing to let life get in the way, etc. he'd ask me why. Then he'd go on to explain why to take a different approach and how to overcome my fears, and why it was beneficial to me. He also explained how life can pass you by just by being distracted by non-trivial things in life. I never got this kind of "don't give up" type of mentoring from my mom and grandma. They're strong women --RIP grandma-- and they mean well, but in their trying to steer me elsewhere with the well-intentioned "maybe your book isn't a best-seller and you should move on to something else that's more stable, it isn't your fault" talks for example, I haven't felt the need to hold myself accountable. I could always blame external factors and they would agree and chime in with "yeah, sales is hard you should try something more steady." I've never been told, "Glenn, you're bullshitting! You haven't really tried."

Having my supervisor has made me realize that I miss my father even though I never met him. I miss having him fill in where women are generally deficient because they're trying to protect their son's ego; they're not trying to hurt his feelings. The women that I have been intimate with all shower me with praise and when I admit that many people on facebook haven't bought my book, they'll say something like "maybe its because they don't read" in trying to spare my feelings. It takes a more experienced man to say "okay Glenn, what have you done to sell your book? You had all this energy last year, what happened?" Men don't accept excuses from other men because we can't afford to be wreckless. So as he was asking me some hard questions that were uncomfortable answering, he encouraged me with some advice in moving forward, in reinventing myself, and getting the clutter out of my mind. See, we need our mothers to build us up, and we need our fathers to hold us accountable and be hard on us. Our men are very important people in mentoring us and too many of them are missing from our lives due to selfishness and petty bullshit and it becomes a vicious cycle. Men, parent your children because you rob our society every time you leave a mother to fend for herself to raise her child as a single father.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Missing You

Reposted from Facebook Originally written Friday May 21, 2010

I wrote this piece months after I stopped talking to KR. The reason its taken me so long to write this piece is because I was mad at the time I decided to stop talking to her. I was mad arrogant, grabbin' my nuts, throwing up my middle fanga (I know how to spell), lying to myself, telling myself that she ain't all that and there's better fish in the sea. I figured I'm a handsome man so getting women is no issue for me. Now, I know you must be thinking that I'm going through a lot over this woman, but the fact of the matter is that I've never met anyone like her and never will. Some of you may say, "dude, you need to date a few women and get you some pussy." I did, and I can tell you that all it does for me is reinforce why I miss KR while highlighting their shortcomings. Not that KR is a goddess of perfection -far from it. Don't let her cute face fool ya, she's nuttier than a pecan pie. Yes KR is fucking nuts, but I'm comfortable with her nuttiness. With other women, their nutty ways turn me off because I can't deal with them, but I never felt that way with KR. And when I say she's a nut, I'm not trying to say that she spends her days in a straitjacket slobbing on herself.. far from it! You'd just have to know her to understand what I'm talking about.

Now I will admit that I only dated a little here and there, but not nearly as much as last year due to school, work, and my $74 into $7000 in 6 weeks challenge... I was fucking busy! I really got busy as I briefly dated the most recent woman that I no longer see, I'll call her SJ. I liked SJ, but I had one problem with her: I was okay with her not texting or calling me for a few days and not seeing her until I got to work. In fact, I started my $74 into $7000 challenge shortly after I started dating her and I found myself placing more importance on gambling than SJ. In fact, I could have cared less whether or not I heard from her during my 8 hour poker sessions. After a while I had to ask myself, "what the fuck are you doing Glenn?" "You found love twice with the same woman and turned it into a love fiasco with your impatience and ego. You know damn well you ain't wanna leave her and the only reason you left her was because you were too fucking stupid to hear her out and try to understand her feelings! You didn't think what you said was offensive to her and she got offended anyway? Who cares? She was offended, and all you know how to do is fucking walk away. Yeah your feelings were hurt, but so were hers, and you call yourself a reader of people or some bullshit like that. Man, you need to go after her right now or you'll be referring to her as the one who got away for the rest of your life." Once I came to this realization, I knew that I was wasting my time talking to SJ when I know full well that I have no intentions of making her my wife. As nice as she is, I never felt any vibe with SJ that she completed me and I completed her --I only felt that way with KR. So in realizing this, I made several attempts to reach out to KR with no success. The only thing I left myself with is an empty feeling of hurt and disappointment.

Later on that night I found myself restless and unable to sleep thinking about KR. So I got up, found two sheets of paper and wrote the following poem:

Missing You

Hey lil chocolate
Ms Magnificent
I wanna say what's up to you
And maybe even talk to you

Not responding back?
Well, I don't blame you
I told you I was through with you
But my heart was never through with you

When I'm mean, I say things I don't mean
Girl, you mean the worlds to me
-and the galaxy
Pride gets the best of me
Knowing you're the best for me
Baby, I need you next to me
You entering my life was God blessing me

Yet I acted a fool
Like I wasn't into you
Worked so hard to get back with you
Just to turn my back on you

I miss you being silly and the way you make me laugh
I need to make room in my heart for you
-my better half

I miss how you talk too much
Just to ask me later on if you talked too much
Girl, you know you too much

You so intelligent, but goofy as you wanna be
I hope a little part of you still want to be with me
Because KR, you're the one for me

I miss you

Glenn Gamble
© Copyright 2010
All Rights Reserved

Monday, June 7, 2010

Farewell to Facebook

Reposted from Facebook Originally written Thursday May 27, 2010

Right now I'm going through a period of adversity. My poker game isn't making me money, and I've pretty much been playing break even poker after losing $50 yesterday. I'm not sure if I even want to resurrect the $74 into $7400 challenge with my bankroll having been paused at $323 at the time. I'm having really mixed feelings about deactivating my Facebook account, but I'm realizing that this is absolutely necessary for my future growth.

KR not speaking to me and no longer wanting to set herself up to be hurt by me is also something that has been a factor. I'd be lying if I said that her refusing to respond to me hasn't affected me. Before facebook, I didn't really know KR too well. All I remembered was that we had drafting class together junior year at Lindblom. After crossing paths on facebook we got to know each other a little better and things went well until I became my own worst enemy... TWICE. Am I hurting right now? OF COURSE, but I'll find a way to move on although its hard considering that every time I'm with another woman I'm still thinking of KR, longing to be with her.

The funny thing about KR is that facebook has brought us together, and while I did a good enough job of ripping us apart, my antics on facebook hasn't exactly helped matters either. I truly think that what really did it was that day I tore into Brandie, Ave, and Melony. I even heard that the incident became phone conversation fodder for a day or two when it happened. Its one thing for me to check someone, but its another to be unrelenting, and that I was. I don't like to be shown up, and I don't like giving in to anyone. However, it was very hard for me to stomach the comments I made after reading what I typed. That's not the kind of person I am.

Which brings me to one of the major reasons why I'm getting off facebook and staying off facebook. For starters, whenever I'm on here, I'm very unproductive and its become a time vampire for me. I have a huge secret event planned for August 5, 2010 that I have to start promoting this Saturday. This is an endeavor that I've decided to undertake on my own and I can't meet people if I'm on here fucking around on facebook and playing poker all day.

The biggest reason that I'm getting off facebook is because it has ruined me. People who know me personally have gotten a totally different perspective of me which is different from who I really am in person. I find and they find that I'm a more a angry, negative, and sarcastic individual. In person, I'm real laid back, funny, and sort of awkward too. If you wanted a celebrity to compare my in-person personality to, think of Maxwell. I went to see him Tuesday night and while dude is the best singer of my generation, has tons of women swooning over him and is insanely handsome; I realized that he's kinda awkward during his ad-libs when he was asking the audience whether or not they were enjoying themselves because he's insecure and needs their feedback and just wants to make sure they're having a good time (then he was running across the stage like a crazy man and got scared when some woman gave him some flowers). It takes a big man to admit that about himself, and he gave me the courage to admit my awkwardness. I hide my awkwardness and my insecurities behind my big personality. People look at me and think that because I was blessed with good looks, good family, and tons of swag that I have everything; so a lot of them are envious of me for no reason. I've had women tell me that when they first saw me that they thought I was arrogant, stuck-up and conceited. Real talk, that makes me feel really uncomfortable because I feel like I have to talk down anything good about myself. For instance:

Her: "Glenn, you writing a book is such a big deal. You got the looks, you got the drive, you gonna blow up!"

Me: "It ain't that big of a deal, anyone can do it."


Her: "Why would a pretty boy like you want someone like me?"
Me: "I'm alright looking, nothing unusual about me. Besides, you're pretty fly yourself."

Yep, all my life I've been careful not to boast or brag when people praised me for being me. It would always make me feel a bit uncomfortable. The reason being is because I got into a lot of altercations and fights growing up over me being called "white boy," "girly looking/gay," "curly sue," and them motherfuckers would always pull my hair because it was long and curly. It took me growing into adulthood to realize that these people were really just envious of me. Women liked me, but then there are a lot of women who are overly cautious with me because of their preconceived notions which is pretty annoying because I'm just a regular dude just like everyone else.

Then FACEBOOK became available to me. After adding some familiar faces from school to my friends list, I became a facebook celebrity to my friends list because I'm very straightforward and possess a little dry humor. People would sometimes add 20-30 comments per status. I got caught up in that "celebrity" and made sure that I posted statuses that were more outrageous than the last ones. Then somehow statues went from "who the fuck anointed Al Sharpton as the spokesperson for Micheal Jackson's family" to "most of you motherfuckers on facebook ain't shit and never will be shit!" to all the "look bitches, I'm a fat pretty motherfucker, you're just another bitch. Don't you ever forget that bitch" statuses.

I just got caught up in the celebrity and the notoriety and with me being such an attention whore, I felt like "the more attention the better." But I hurt a lot of people's feelings in the process because I would argue with the people and say hurtful things and hide under the guise of "this is only the internet and if her feelings got hurt over a facebook comment then she needs to get a better life!" With that being said, my being on facebook has created a monster that doesn't really represent who I really am as a person. From now on, I will interact with people in person ONLY. I hate the image that I've become on facebook which I liken to Kayne West. I do care about how I'm perceived (to an extent) and I was able to acknowledge my being an awkward individual in going through the trials of me saying all the things that I would never say in person unless provoked. In a way, I felt okay about pissing women off in telling them how pretty I am, etc., because for once in my life I could finally boast and not feel the need to apologize for it, but now that I look back on those comments I wish I hadn't made those statements. I got cocky because I'm really a bit uncomfortable with the things I have to deal with in association with being a light-skinned, curly haired black man. The last woman I fell out with told me that I put too much of my business on facebook, and while that may be true its because I feel like I can share these things with you all so you can better understand me as a person.

To all the people whose feelings I've hurt, I'm so sorry.

To KR, I'm truly sorry.

And Ke-Ke, a former friend of mine that I met through a Lindblom alum, I am sorry for not talking to you over a topic on facebook. You were right when you told me that I am incredibly intelligent and idiotic at the same time. I'm sorry.

Wendy, I'm sorry for treating you the way I did.

To my facebookers, I will keep my profile active until Sunday May 30th so everyone will get a chance to read this note --then I will deactivate my account once and for all. For the friends that I will hang out with beyond facebook, I'm glad to see yall after all these years and we gonna kick it hard one of these days.

Anyone wishing to contact me outside facebook, can shoot me an email...

Thursday, June 3, 2010

I Forgot About Rapper AZ

How could I forget about one of my favorite rappers of all time AZ? After going through an iTunes playlist that I created back in 2005 I heard "Wanna Be There" and man that song brought back memories of me fraternizing with my workers, fucking co-workers, and of course one of my workers moving my co-supervisor in her crib a few weeks after she fucked me.. lol, but I digress.

Too bad him and Nas couldn't do an album together, but it wasn't for a lack of AZ's trying. Nas was just a selfish, egotistical fuck who couldn't see an opportunity to make more money, and gosh, I couldn't imagine how big that tour would have been for them. As a result, AZ has spit numerous classic bars that will never get heard. And FUCK NAS for the remainder of this blog post. Never mind that he's my favorite rapper of all time.. he fucked up on this one. When right after Stillmatic and Aziatic came out, these two should have recorded the album, but Nas ol' fat neck ass didn't want to do the album. With that being said, I'm kinda glad that Kelis took dude for $40k a month.

Enough of my ranting, if you ain't got Aziatic GET IT!

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