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Saturday, December 26, 2009

Hustling and Heartbreak

Sometimes I believe that relationships are a lost cause for me until other people talk sense into me. I'm a good man; I swear I am, but I tend to fuck up my own relationships with women, except for the last woman. I'm not going to go into details about the last woman I was seeing because I'm learning not to speak ill of anyone. I will say this: I did a few good deeds for her and she accused me of something reprehensible before the last good deed was completed. After taking a day to think about it I had a chance encounter with her on the Sheridan train stop where I was selling my books and upon seeing her, I decided to break all ties with her. I liked this woman and thought that we had a future together until I realized that because she accused me of a bad deed she really expects bad deeds to be done unto her by the people she's dating. In a way, I feel sorry for her because I know that feeling of constant pessimism.

In fact, the pessimism that I'm referring to drove a wedge between me and KR that has yet to be overcome. Its funny that I encountered this not even a year after KR because I got to feel how KR felt when I walked out on her in such an angry rage. I feel like I can't say 'I'm sorry' enough times because that's how much I hurt her and then some. I picked a bad time to realize how sensitive she is by nature, but getting past that she's a sweetheart, but I digress. MH's pessimism has been triggered by events in her past that would cause for her to always suspect anyone who has her address. And for her to even fix her mouth to say that I could be capable of doing the reprehensible deed that she accused me of not only hurts, but tells me that she believes that she did something pretty foul in that warrants the kind of deed that she accused me of. This made me think "hmmm.. perhaps I don't know her as well as I thought. Ain't no telling what kind of dirt she might have done in her past, perhaps I should rethink this."

Its a shame because I really liked her and my kind deed blew up in my face. As I was breaking up with her, I could only think of how KR felt when I walked out on her after she had set up a great afternoon at her apartment.. I will not go into details. With KR, I started overthinking things and blew my volcano. Sometimes I think, "had I just been a little more patient we'd be planning a log cabin getaway instead of trading verbal shots at each other through a mutual acquaintance on our friends list." Then I would have never met MH, but I'm glad that I met MH because we both needed each other.

She needed me to allow her to realize that not every man is out to get her, and I needed her to explain to me that night how black women have gone through a lot and that because of this, black women need to be cherished and uplifted. MH told me that black women don't want to feel angry and be judged; they want to feel special. She also said the same for black men, but I'm going to hope for the ladies who read this blog to uplift them too. The truth of the matter is that my relationships tell the story of the hurt and trauma that both our black women and black men have experienced. I personally have a positive outlook on life in many areas, but realized that I viewed black women in a negative light by focusing solely on the negatives. While its true that both genders need work, I know in my heart that the only way to improve our relations is to actually cherish each other. I vow to do my part by cherishing the woman that I'm with in the next relationship that I decide to enter. I promise that relationship won't take place immediately because I realize that I need some unspecified time to actually digest what happened between MH and I before I enter my next relationship so that I avoid dropping this baggage on her.