Friday, August 28, 2009

Pursuing Secular Work vs Pursuing Your Dreams II --An Author's Loneliness

I was told recently that in order to be able to focus that one must be alone. Does that mean that a man or a woman who is married with children lack focus because they're not alone?

In that same instance I was also told that some of the great authors isolate themselves while working on their projects. Needless to say, some of the great authors of our time were also crazy as catshit. Some of the great authors have been known to worship vampires and talk to themselves on park benches. Does that mean that I have to do it? Is that the road that I need to take?

While I appreciate that young lady's input being alone is not as good as she's making it out to be. Furthermore, when I refer to my loneliness it has nothing to do with my ability or inability to make friends or get a woman. I speaking in reference to being the most popular person in a room and feeling alone. For instance having 3 women and still feeling alone. Being well-liked, but misunderstood is a lonely feeling.

Also being well-liked, but feeling isolated is the most accurate description of how I'm feeling right now. Its nothing I can't get over, I've been dealing with it in some form or fashion all of my life. I never understood the feeling until I had the pleasure of having Dante Feenix --author of Black Butterfly and Diary of a 12 Inch Brotha-- on 60 Minutes With Glenn last year and he explained to my co-host and I that all artists go through a feeling of loneliness that I'm talking about. People in our lives use artists because we bring a certain joy to their otherwise ordinary lives because for whatever reason we are always the life of the party or the one who jump starts a good conversation, etc.

After we get used and used we begin to feel drained because people draw from our energy due to the fact that we're constantly giving it to people in so many ways such as trying to lift people's moods and spirits, or trying to push them to achieve what they feel is impossible, etc. As a result we become used up and at times we feel isolated because we're not like everyone else. All those things in my last blog weren't distractions, they were draining me and I voiced my frustrations with it. When I get drained, I tend to lash out at people and say things that cut deep. On a few occasions within the past 3 weeks I said some things that cut pretty deep whether KR wants to admit that she was hurt or not. When I was angry it felt good to let my words fly, but when I thought back on those instances I felt terrible first because I was wrong. I can get over being wrong, but what really wore on me is that I hurt KR's feelings --whether she wants to admit it or not, I know I did. When I realized how much damage I had done it took a lot of out me.

Let's not forget that I'm working two jobs this summer and that's taking a lot of energy out of me. Yet people think I feel isolated and lonely because I'm single. It has nothing to do with not having a fruitful relationship --its been 7 years since I've been in a relationship because every time I think I've come across the right woman it doesn't work out-- its me feeling like everyone's using me and taking from me without giving a shit about how I feel. Its not always true; there are only a few isolated cases where someone or some people don't give a shit about how I feel, or about me; but that's how I'm feeling. My mistake this summer is underestimating how much working two jobs has taken out of me.

Furthermore, I have not recharged the energy that's been taken from me since May. For my creative people --writers, singers, artists, actors, poets, etc.-- whenever you're feeling this way the best ways to recharge your batteries is to go to a festival where other creative people are performing and sharing their creative energy with the audience. Its always refreshing to watch a good dance performance or listen to some good poetry or music live.

The only other way to recharge your energy is by being with a person of the opposite sex that you like/love. Being around a person you like/love and sharing sexual energy with that person recharges both you and her/him when you know that you like/love that person and that person reciprocates that like/love back.

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